We all implement changes in our life in attempts at evolving into a better version of ourselves. Why? Because looking back at yourself 1 year, 2 or however long ago and realizing you are in exactly the same place you were then leaves you feeling stuck. That feeling of disappointment, the realization of how much time you wasted is something I no longer tolerate. Above all I value time. I want to make the absolute most of it. But here is where i differ slightly from others. If i am making progress that I am proud of it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest whether or not anyone else can see it. I can’t deny it does feel good when another person gives you a pat on the back for a job well done. But I can’t rely on that. It’s fleeting. I can easily sacrifice that ‘pretty good feeling’ for the immense satisfaction I get from knowing I used not just my money but also my effort, talents & time in a way that I am proud of. All that being said, we all hit bumps in the road. Those times where we use every valuable resource available to us and still don’t see the progress we hoped for. That is because sometimes progress is so slow it is practically invisible to our everyday routine. A wise man once said, “Life can only be lived forward but understood backwards”. This hints at what I am talking about and highlights why self reflection & gratitude is so important. In those moments where you are not seeing results, self reflection & gratitude is like digging for buried treasure. If you don’t dig for it you definitely won’t find it. All those valuable moments in life that we have be proud of, all those small victories remain buried and un-acknowledged, as if they never happened. Then you wonder why you are never satisfied in the current moment. It’s because you are not giving yourself credit for your progress. When you were a kid your parents probably hung some of your ‘progress’ on the refrigerator, right? If you had a bad day you could go there and see that colorfully playful drawing you made a few days ago and think to yourself, “I may be sad today but that day I did good.” So what if your child gave you one of the drawings they were so proud of and you said, Wow, honey that’s beautiful!. . . Then you threw it away. They would be heartbroken. That act of throwing it away is telling them subconsciously that there was no value in it & it wasn’t special enough to keep appreciating. That is essentially what you are doing to yourself when you don’t practice gratitude & self reflection. You are telling your inner child that whatever you accomplished isn’t worthy of making the refrigerator.
Well, let me tell you, everything I create ‘makes the refrigerator’ now. That and every other hangable wall space in my house. The images shown above are paintings I finished this year just 4 months apart. The one on the right I did first. It’s called “Still not broken”. I had taken a break from painting for over 2 years. I was discouraged & uncertain about where my life was headed. The progress I thought I had made over the last few years all the sudden seemed like it was all for nothing and that I had to start all over. In the painting her hair is a little disheveled, her head is slightly tilted down to the right in disappointment, the heart on her back is damn near broken, but not quite, indicating she’s hanging on by a thread. But nevertheless, she’s still hanging on. In that she finds that ‘refrigerator worthy’ part of herself that she can build on. So she lowers her yellow shawl exposing herself and her broken heart even more after decades of hiding behind layers of armor and self protection as if to say, “Fu@k it… I may be sad, but even in my low point is there is something beautiful!”
After that I took all the broken pieces and turned them into something better than before…. day by day, choice by choice. Flash forward to 4 months later, yesterday, when I finished the painting on the left titled “Dignity & Grace”. I’m fascinated at how similar the two pieces are given the fact that I paint abstractly for fun & freedom until the subject jumps off the canvas at me. She too is looking to the right but unlike the first painting, this girl has her head held high. It’s not with boastful pride or arrogance but a quiet self respect. She is sitting up straight, has pulled her shawl back up around her shoulders as if to say she has “pulled herself together”. She has styled her hair in a femanine way and dressed up with jewelry & sparkles as if she is preparing for an elegant evening out. “Dress for the life you want, not the life you have”, right?!
Neither of the two girls in the painting look like me per say, but the energy behind them is mine. Painting is the way I can see my invisible progress. It’s the way I give value to myself that no one can take away. This progress I had over the last 4 months is so subtle anyone could’ve missed it. You have to be digging for it. If you are waiting for someone to pat you on the back, or like your post, or view your reel, you are leaving your value & worth in the hands of a stranger. That unfortunately can be taken away in an instant.
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